


Keep Living

by Mischel



Series: Supernatural s13 Codas [5]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: A lot of hugs, Coda, Episode: s13e05 Advanced Thanatology, First Kiss, Hugs, Love Confessions, M/M, Post-Episode: s13e05 Advanced Thanatology, Reunion, Sam Ships It, and he's happy for them, billie asks dean about castiel, billie knows but doesn't tell, cas comes back, coda fanfic, deancas hug, sam and cas hug, therapy with Billie
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-19
Updated: 2017-11-19
Packaged: 2019-02-04 07:44:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,785
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12766326
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mischel/pseuds/Mischel
Summary: Dean's dead and now there's only Billie to talk to. She asks him about Castiel. She knows something, but doesn't say it, and then Cas comes back. Which means tears, hugs and kisses :)I should have posted this last week, but I was kind of busy, so here you go. I'll also post a coda for 13x06 today.





	Keep Living

“You've changed,” Billie observes, “when you bargained with me just now. You could have asked to go back. To live.”

 

“Well, I figure with you in charge, there's no getting back for me.” Not that he wants to. What is left for him on Earth? Sam and Jack. And he loves his brother, but . . . it's not enough to make him want to go back. It's not enough to make him feel less pain because that's all there is for him: endless _pain._

 

An empty hole in his chest that won't ever get fixed.

 

So why should he want to go back?

 

“You could have asked me to bring _him_ back,” she smiles at him. Why is she smiling? There's nothing funny about that.

 

“Cas?” he asks. She nods. “I didn't know Death could revive angles.” But he thought about it. He did. “I thought only God could do that.”

 

“Hm,” Billie raises her eyebrows. “He did bring Castiel back a few times, didn’t he?” Dean's silent. “That was before Castiel even entered the empty. Now though? It's too late for me to reach him.”

 

“Then why are we even talking about it?” he asks, his voice a little rough. “Okay? Cas is- he's not coming back. And I asked you to free the ghosts because it was a good thing to do. Sorry for not wanting to- for not _asking_ to live.”

 

“That doesn't sound like the Dean Winchester I know and love,” Billie continues, walking away from him. “The man who's been dead so many times, but it never seemed to stick.”

 

When he turns around, he sees that she moved to the shelves full of books. It's a strange place. A black Library of death.

 

“Maybe you're not that guy anymore. The guy who saves the world. The guy who always thinks he'll win. No matter what.” God, it's like she's reading his mind. Voicing his thoughts. “You _have_ changed. And you tell people it's not a big deal, you tell people you'll work through it, but you know you won't. You _can't._ And that scares the hell out of you. Or . . . am I wrong?”

 

He merely shrugs. “What do you want me to say?” It's not like he can deny what she said. She's right. And he's tired of everything. “It doesn't matter. _I_ don't matter.”

 

“Don't you?” she pushes.

 

“I couldn't save mom, I couldn't save Cas, I can't even save a scared little kid,” he tells her. “Sam keeps trying to fix it, but I just keep dragging him down so I'm not gonna beg, okay? If it's my time, it's my time.”

 

Billie doesn't say anything for a while. Then, “you really believe that.” Dean kind of nods. “You wanna die.” He hasn't thought about that, but it's not like he's had a great will to live lately either. “Is it because you were in love with him?”

 

He blinks. _Yes,_ is what he wants to say. But what he says is, “what?”

 

“Castiel,” she pushes. “You loved him.”

 

And he's tired of denying it. He's tired of everything, of feeling like shit all the time, of the _emptiness_ inside of him that he can't get rid of. As Billie said herself, he won't work through it. He can't. He'll never be able to move on from his death.

 

“I still do,” he tells her. “I still love him, but he's . . . he's gone.”

 

She raises her eyebrows again and turned to the books instead. “Dean, every notebook on this particular shelf, tells a version of how you die. You specifically.” She starts walking back to him. He can't help but wonder if there's a shelf like this for Cas too. Somewhere. “Heart attack, burned by a red-haired witch, stabbed by a ghoul on a graveyard, on and on.” Dean looks up at all those books – there must be hundreds of them. How many causes of death even is there? “But which one's right? That depends on you. On the choices you make.”

 

“Well, I guess I made my choice.”

 

“But,” Billie says, “unfortunately, none of these books say you die today.”

 

What? “Come again?”

 

“Since I got this new job, I stand witness to a much larger picture. Do you know what I see? You. And your brother. You're important.”

 

“Why?” he asks.

 

“You have work to do,” she says and walks away again. “It's all you need to know. And trust me.” He turned to her again - she's back at her table. “Having my eyes open to the necessity of any humans, especially the Winchesters, is not a thrill. So, you wanna die, but I say. Keep living.”

 

_Keep living._

 

That’s what she says. But how? How can he keep living without him? Without him in the bunker, without their moments spent together, without their phone calls when Cas was gone, without . . . without having told him that he loves him? How can he live, knowing that Cas never knew? That he never told him? That he waited until it was too late?

 

“How?” Dean asks. It’s not like he can pretend he’s okay anymore, so he just asks, his eyes watery and not caring that she sees him like this. “How can I live like this? Without him?“ He shakes his head. “It’s like torture.”

 

She sighs. “You’ll have to figure it out. Like everyone else does. You’re not the only one who lost a loved one, Dean.”

 

“But-”

 

He doesn’t get a chance to finish his sentence. She sends him back, back to Sam and the haunted house of the crazy doc. When he gasps for air in Sam’s arms, he can’t help but think he hears her voice. It’s silent like an echo, barely a whisper, probably just a hallucination or something. But he understands the words loud and clear nevertheless:

 

_Not everything that gets burnt stays dead._

 

xoXÖXox

 

His phone rings.

 

Dean doesn't think much of it. It's true that not a lot of people have his number, but it could be Jody, Claire, or even Max. It's not like he doesn't know more people than only Sam.

 

But when he picks up the phone, it's someone he thought he'd never see again.

 

“Hello, Dean.”

 

That's all he says. And Dean can't move. He keeps one hand on the steering wheel, but those two simple words that he thought he'd never hear again make him almost unable to do anything.

 

Dean glances at Sam, who's looking at him with a question with his eyes, asking _who is it?_

 

But Dean isn't sure he can talk either.

 

So after a moment, he finally whispers, “Cas?”

 

And the relieved sigh he hears on the other side makes him feel more alive than anything in the past few days. Ever since Cas died, nothing was normal. But now? At least he's got hope.

 

So when Cas tells him where he is, Dean asks him to wait there for them. And once they arrive, he can't even believe it's real. It feels like a dream, it really does. But the similar but undoubtedly new trench coat can mean only one person. And then Cas turns towards him and Dean can see his face. He sees the unshed tears in his eyes and he's sure that there are tears in his eyes too.

 

“Hello, Dean,” Cas repeats and gives him a watery smile, “and Sam.”

 

Dean almost forgot about his brother altogether. All he can see right now is the angel in front of him. He makes one experimental step towards him, still a little wary – this could be a hallucination, or a dream or a friggin' shapeshifter only taking Cas' face. But he remembers the desperation he felt when they burned his body. That emptiness. And he doesn't want to feel like that ever again.

 

So when Cas' smile get a tiny bit bigger, Dean can't take it anymore and he walks towards him as fast as he can.

 

“Cas,” he mumbled as he throws his arms around him and squeezes tight. He grips the back of Cas' trench coat and closes his eyes, hiding his face in Cas' shoulder. Cas' arms around his back make him feel warm. And he can't help but try and get closer to him.

 

“Dean,” Cas mumbles, “I'm sorry-”

 

“No, don't,” Dean breathes a little too fast. Or maybe he's just crying. His voice sounds like that. “All I care about is that you're back.”

 

“It's good to see you again too.”

 

Dean smiles at that. He didn't think he'd ever smile again. But he's smiling now. He's grinning even though his eyes are still closed tightly. He opens them and takes a deep breath. And then it all comes out – everything he was too afraid to say in the past, too scared to tell Castiel until it was too late.

 

“I love you,” he mumbles.

 

“What?”

 

“I _love_ you, Cas,” he repeats with a laugh. “I've been in love with you for so long. And I should have told you, I should have-”

 

He doesn't get the chance to finish because Cas pulls away and gently grabs his face and before Dean even realizes what's happening, they're kissing. Lips on lips, a sweet first kiss with their lips moving just a little bit – better than Dean thought he'd get. And his eyes are closed again and he's smiling into the kiss and laughing when it ends.

 

“I love you too, Dean,” Cas admits.

 

Dean nods, their foreheads touching and the smile can't seem to leave his face. Cas is back and he's with them and everything, the future, their lives, _everything_ seems brighter.

 

“Um, guys?” he hears Sam behind him.

 

Oh shit, Sam’s there with him too. Dean turns around and opens his mouth to say something, anything, but nothing seems to come out.

 

Sam only smiles. “It's okay,” he tells him and walks closer to them. Cas lets go of Dean to give Sam a hug as well. And when Sam pulls away again, with tears in eyes, he looks at both of them. “I'm happy for you,” he says, “and I’m glad you’re back, Cas.”

 

“Thank you, Sam,” Castiel smiles at him.

 

“Hey, Sam?” Dean asks, eyeing Cas with his eyes slightly narrowed. Then he nods and smirks at Sam, “do you mind driving us back home? I think we've got some unfinished business here.”

 

Sam just rolls his eyes and walks back to the car.

 

But Dean takes Cas' hand, slowly locking his fingers with Castiel's and giving him a smile when he looks up. Cas squeezes his hand and returns the smile, and in that moment, Dean realizes that he doesn't want to die at all.

 

Not anymore.

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you liked it! Thanks for reading :)
> 
>  
> 
> (Sorry for any grammar mistakes, English isn't my first language.)


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